WALFERDANGE — A man who moved to Luxembourg three years ago is railing against restaurants that serve the cheap and unremarkable cuisine from his home country — and make it even cheaper and more unremarkable.
“Back home, every city and town has at least one really mediocre Tex-Mex restaurant where you can get low-quality enchiladas, burritos, and tacos,” said 34-year-old Brian Mason. “Man, how I miss that crap.”
“All these supposed ‘authentic’ Tex-Mex restaurants keep popping up around Luxembourg, which really excited me at first, but every visit ends in major disappointment.”
Mason says that when he orders nachos, he expects a large basket of mass-market tortilla chips covered in glowing cheese-flavored goo, but all he ever gets here is a bowl of bland corn flour crackers with some weird fake cheddar melted on top.
“And don’t even get me started on the other stuff,” he said. “My favorite Tex-Mex place in my hometown serves the most uninspired chicken enchiladas you can get north of the Arkansas River. Those guys really know how to take a standard microwave enchilada filled with hormone-pumped chicken cubes and spruce it up with sauce from a jar and wilted lettuce.”
“If you order a chicken enchilada here, the sauce has a totally different set of chemical enhancers than what we get back home,” he continued. “If you’re someone like me who really enjoys his MSG, you’re bound to get disappointed by the hydrolyzed proteins they use here.”
Most infuriating, Mason says, are the tequila-flavored sweet drinks that pass for margaritas here.
“When I ask for a margarita, I want one made from a cheap mix that comes in a two-liter plastic bottle, and whose main ingredients are high-fructose corn syrup, sodium citrate, and polysorbate 60,” he said. “And it has to come straight from a factory in New Jersey.”
“But the so-called Tex-Mex restaurants here think it’s okay to get their margarita mix from some factory in Brussels where the workers add enough sodium metabisulfite to preserve a horse carcass,” he added. “And they always put in way too much yellow number 5 and never enough blue number 1.”