For years, conspiracy theorists have claimed that our planet’s rotational speed has been rapidly increasing, and yet while most people scoffed at the idea, new evidence suggests the conspiracy theorists might be right.
Oh Wednesday, video footage was released of former Luxembourgish politician and current European Commission president Jean-Claude Juncker at a meeting with world leaders when, for several minutes, he appeared unable to steady himself.
“It’s obvious what happened,” said University of Wiltz professor Andreas Michaelis, a longtime believer in the theory that Earth is spinning out of control. “No man, no matter how strong his legs are, can resist centrifugal force.”
Michaelis says that for years he has noticed an increase in the number of people losing their balance, ranging from those who say “whoops” and merely wobble into a stranger, to others who say “whoa whoa, watch out” before unwittingly careening through a large transparent window pane being carried down the street by two workers.
“And whenever I comment on this increase, people always come up with crazy explanations,” he said. “They blame everything from bad knees, to heat exhaustion, to alcohol, but I know the truth.”
By early afternoon on Friday, dozens of people around Luxembourg-ville were reported to be suffering from similar difficulties getting around, among them insurance agent Martin Rafferty, who had taken the afternoon off and reluctantly agreed to share with a friend an extra-large pitcher of margaritas at Chi-Chi’s.
“That was a bad idea,” he was heard saying before stumbling into a group of Chinese tourists.
The theory that the world is spinning wildly out of control goes back to at least the 1990s, when on several occasions Russian president Boris Yeltsin was observed losing his balance and falling after doing relatively simple movements such as giving a seventeenth consecutive toast, suddenly joining a troupe of Russian folk dancers, or trying to climb a lamppost because he believed he spotted a bear hiding on top of it.