A few centimeters of snow is cause for auto commuters in the Grand Duchy to suddenly lose any semblance of driving abilities and instead recklessly drift around like intoxicated and nearly blind grandmothers who have taken too much cold medication.
“Even though my Range Rover is equipped with snow tires and the streets have already been plowed and salted, I figured I’d better straddle two lanes and drive at four kilometers per hour,” said investment fund manager Damien Laval. “Otherwise, I won’t be able to achieve my goal of creating a traffic jam from Arlon all the way to Sandweiler.”
HR officer Colette Thiel says, “I make sure to run every red light, which is great fun and puts everyone’s life at risk.”
“I literally lose all sense of reason and physics,” said auditor Jose Koepps. “That’s why I’ve been stuck going round this traffic circle for the past three hours, because I’m afraid if I try to exit, I’ll spin wildly out of control and flip my car into those trees over there.”
“I hope the weather improves before I run out of gas,” he added.
Traffic authorities are asking drivers to avoid traveling at a reasonably safe speed, but instead to drive really fast to prove that you are not afraid of sliding off an iced-over bridge and exploding in a ball of fire, or to drive slow enough as to realize your childhood fantasies in which you were a snail riding atop a tortoise slowly making its way across a frozen lake.
