LUXEMBOURG CITY – In a moment of inspiration, a real estate agent showing a unit in a new luxury apartment building in the Gare district has claimed the drug dealer downstairs as “an amenity.” “This unit has three bedrooms and two bathrooms, one of which is en suite,” said Antonio Lopes, giving a young couple […]
Luxembourg City parents buy off-road luxury pram
Saying they needed yet another unnecessary and ostentatious purchase to match their luxury SUV that gives the impression they go for weekend drives in muddy river beds, through swamps, and up the sides of mountains, a Luxembourg City couple have purchased an off-road luxury pram. The pram comes with a designer interior, monotube shocks, and […]
Police to deploy Kachkéis cannons against protestors
Saying extreme circumstances call for extreme measures, Luxembourg police have announced they are going to set up a line of kachkéis cannons as a defensive measure in Friday’s announced protest by Polish miners. “Kachkéis is a known deterrent against foreign aggressors,” said police spokesperson Marco Trausch. “Which is why every Luxembourger has at least one […]
Eye of Sauron to be installed over Gare
In response to increasing acts of aggression and criminality in Luxembourg City’s Gare district, the VDL has announced it will install a fearsome Eye of Sauron above the train station. The Eye, composed of equal parts fire and fury, will be suspended between two giant prongs, and ideally it will keep people in the area […]
New, larger parking spots for bastards in expensive cars who always take 2 spaces anyway
Following years of trying to compel bastards in expensive cars to park correctly and in a considerate manner, VDL officials have announced they’re giving up, saying that the only solution is to give these people their own, larger spaces. “In every public parking garage or supermarket parking lot, clear white lines have been painted to […]
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