Thousands of people in Luxembourg looked out the window this morning, saw the clear skies, and decided it was ideal weather to go outside and spread the coronavirus a little. “It would be a shame to spend the beautiful day inside, keeping our germs to ourselves,” said father Alarvo Encants, a resident of Luxembourg City. […]
US to give 26 billion hours of attention to starving celebrities
WASHINGTON — Calling the damage to the social hierarchy caused the the coronavirus lockdown a “crisis we can no longer ignore,” the U.S. agency in charge of disaster relief has announced it will be allocating 26 billion hours of emergency attention to starving American celebrities. “These people, members of our most fragile and neediest population, […]
Wild cows return to Luxembourg City
With butchers, restaurateurs, and other natural predators now confined to their homes, hundreds of wild cattle that once freely roamed Luxembourg City have begun to return. For centuries, cows outnumbered people in this region and, thanks to their larger size, they would simply push over anyone who got in their way, say experts. “It wasn’t […]
‘I never signed up for this shit,’ says supermarket employee
A Luxembourg supermarket employee earning minimum wage has confirmed that when she got hired last year, no one told her she might have to sacrifice her own health and life in the line of duty. “I don’t recall signing anything saying that in case of war, I’d be given a pair of latex gloves and […]
Toilet paper roll sells for €577,000
A roll of toilet paper, which is being called “the last of its kind,” has been sold in London for more than half of a million euros. The sale was made at Christie’s auction house on Wednesday, where the bidding started at fifty cents and quickly shot up. It’s not clear if the anonymous buyer […]
Obsessive-compulsive roadworks crew must dig, fill every hole 9 times
Answering a question that has been plaguing residents of a street in Rollingergrund for more than a year, the foreman of a roadworks crew has admitted that they all suffer from a similar obsessive-compulsive disorder and that each hole must be dug and filled exactly nine times. “Why nine?” said Michael Hobrack, whose team began […]
Luxembourg man finishes the internet
BISSEN — A man who has self-quarantined since the middle of the month has finished the internet, according to multiple sources. “Every article, blog post, video, social media update, and meme,” said Nicolas Quinn, 29, after switching off his tablet after a marathon 22-hour session. “I’m done. I’ve consumed them all.” “There’s nothing you can […]