Millions of dying bacteria in a Luxembourg man’s intestinal tract have sprung back to life after they commandeered his body and made him walk into his kitchen and consume 550 grams of pure sugar.
The bacteria had become increasingly lethargic in the preceding days as Dan Scott gave up alcoholic beverages and, to the bacteria’s horror, all foods containing refined sugar. His decision came after a month of feasting and overeating.
Early on in the new diet, at least one bacterium predicted the end of the world, comparing the previous month to “the final days of Rome, full of decadence and debauchery.” While other bacteria laughed at this prophecy, they changed their single-cell minds when the last of the sucrose disappeared.
Indeed, it seemed that their civilization would come to an end until a bacterium named AN8384H, described by its only parent as “vivacious” and by its peers as having “an infectious personality” began to rally the others.
“You, bacterium PO9845Q, send a message to our host’s brain that he’s grumpy,” AN8384H said. “And bacterium MX0082X, even if he’s just consumed a huge steak and salad, I need you to send a message that he’s hungry. Once these feelings are established, we’ll take over.”
Scott, who for the first week of his new diet had been feeling healthy and optimistic, suddenly felt gloomy, weak, and irritable.
In an instant, he understood that sugary foods are actually a good thing because they give you energy, and the more energy you have, the more you move, and the more you move, the healthier and thinner you are.
“Need sugar,” he said, as if in a trance.
That’s when bacterium AN8384H leaped into action, leading a team of commandos to send a series of complex signals to Scott’s muscles.
Zombie-like, Scott stood and lumbered toward his kitchen, nearly stepping on his cat Winona. Rather than leading Scott toward the cupboard where an expired bar of chocolate remained, bacterium AN8384H directed him to the drawer that contains baking ingredients.
“Boys, we’re going for the good stuff,” the bacterium shouted. “Hold your positions and keep control of his eyes, arms, and hands.”
Scott complied, setting a one-kilogram bag of cane sugar on the counter and then consuming half of its contents with a spoon, saying, “yummy, yummy” as the product made its way down his digestive tract.
“Hooray,” the millions of bacteria in his gut shouted after sucrose rained from the sky, providing nourishment and allowing them to reproduce and multiply orgiastically.
“Hooray,” echoed Scott, feeling a sudden burst of energy, joy, and optimism. “I’m king of the world!”
Nevertheless, within an hour he and the colony of now billions more bacteria again felt lethargic. The colony looked for bacterium AN8384H to save them again. Sadly, the hero’s life cycle had ended. However, another motivated bacteria named WT3849G stood up to lead everyone.
“We’ve received a report that just above our host’s kitchen sink is a shelf, and on that shelf is a jar of Nutella,” he said. “Let’s get to work.”
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Originally published by RTL Today
