In what is being called a case of extreme aggression bordering on pathological rage, a Luxembourg asshole has been using his phone to call people.
According to reports, Pedro Ferreira has verbally contacted as many as nine people in the last week alone. The victims include three friends, two colleagues, and a family member who was said to be so traumatized that she is now recovering in a Swiss sanatorium.
“I was in my office reading my emails when all of the sudden my work phone emitted a sound which I recognized as something we used to describe as ‘ringing,’” said Ferreira’s colleague Geoffrey Marks and one of the victims of the unwanted audible communication.
“I assumed it was a warning that the phone might explode, but it was just Pedro asking for some info for a file,” Marks said. “What a psychopath.”
Sociologist Timothea Ostroph says that calling people is like honking your horn at cyclists because you find their cycling shorts offensively tight, or shouting at waiters because your serving of butter is too cold.
“It’s hostile, rude, and possibly demonic.”
Ostroph says that you’re supposed to first send at least three emails to initiate contact, no matter the reason. If the emails go unanswered for a week, only then are you permitted to escalate to WhatsApp messages.
“And then, only in matters of extreme importance, for example your Netflix account has been suspended, or your kid needs emergency gallbladder surgery – are you ever allowed to call someone – with your voice,” she said.
“Clearly, society has to do more to educate Neanderthals like this Mr. Ferreira,” she added.
According to sources, Ferreira’s teen children are also aggressive little sociopaths, calling their friends instead of sending Snapchat messages and patiently waiting for days for the little chat icon to turn blue indicating the message has been read – like normal, well-adjusted teens.