GASPERICH — Panic filled Luxembourg’s motorways on Wednesday night when a reckless sober driver reportedly obeyed the speed limit, forcing other motorists to slam on their brakes and be confined to a lane.
According to sources, the sober driver had attended a birthday party in the center, and rather than drink enough alcohol to diminish his judgement and spatial awareness so as to be on par with everyone else on the roads, he consumed as many as 10 non-intoxicating drinks like virgin mojitos and Sprite that are popular among children and Mormons.
One of the innocent motorists who escaped serious injury is Sergio Chupito, who says he almost crashed into the back of the sober driver’s vehicle.
“There I was, coasting down the A6 like a bowling ball in a kiddie lane, when all of the sudden some judicious idiot in one of those dumb monospace cars appears out of nowhere going really slow, maybe 120,” he said. “Luckily I’ve got fast reflexes, and my brain was able to tell my foot to press the brake pedal after only 3.4 seconds.”
Another motorist, who made sure to consume at least the national average of 4.5 alcoholic drinks before getting into the driver’s seat, says she was on the A4 near Leudelange when her brush with the sober driver occurred.
“I was in a trance, imagining my BMW as a single photon on a wave of light that undulated in unison with the universe,” she said. “Then I saw in the darkness something resembling red glowing snake eyes that grew bigger, and I knew at once it was Nagas, the demon cobra of ancient lore.”
“And he would have bitten me, too, if I hadn’t crashed into that barrier first,” she added.
The sober driver, who was in a 2012 Citroën Berlingo that he often uses to transport his four kids to after-school activities, later admitted to police that he’d acted selfishly, and that his concern was for his own safety.