WILTZ — A new report from the Center for Applied Lexicology has revealed that no fewer than all of the people in Luxembourg who refer themselves as expats are actually immigrants.
The report is based on findings from a year-long study during which a team of researchers asked expats the question, “Did you move here from somewhere else?” If the answer was yes, the researchers ticked a box next to the word “immigrant.”
“We were shocked, considering all the expat Facebook groups, expat relocation services, and expat plumbing services you find here,” said lead researcher Iris Polenta, who admits that in her LinkedIn profile she still describes herself as an expat.
However, not all expats are happy with the findings. One 42-year-old woman who moved to the Grand Duchy in 2017 with her family says the study’s methodology is flawed.
“We hired a company to transport our stuff when we moved here,” she said. “We fly business class. We just got back from two weeks in Nice.”
“And how do you explain this?” she added, turning and lifting her shirt to reveal a large “Expat 4 Life” tattoo on her back. “The hubster’s got one too.”
Polenta doesn’t discount the possibility that Luxembourg could have once been home to a bona fide expatriate or two, but she insists they would have died long ago.
“It’s possible that during that late 19th century, a proper expat, a mustachioed fellow with a straw hat and a trunk full of brushes and oil paints, moved here to capture the beauty of the Éislek at dusk,” Polenta said. “But even then, this guy would need a baroness wife who writes bad poetry or something to be a real expat.”
Editor’s note: the Wurst will continue to use the term “expat” because it’s integral to our delicate self-concept.