Greetings, Mr. Becker. Please take a seat. My name is Jules de Gaesebeke, and I am a private banker here at Rothskid Partners. I have worked in private banking and wealth management for 30 years, so you can rest assured that I know what I am doing.
Would you like some water sourced from an Icelandic glacier? An espresso made by our in-house barista Ennio? We fly him in from Naples every day. Or perhaps a Scotch served by our in-house Scot whose name happens to be Scott? No, we don’t fly him in every day. He takes a boat. He’s afraid of flying.
Right, let’s get down to business. I am sure that your time is precious, as is mine. My client list currently numbers at nine, which is to say that I’m nearly fully booked. Luckily for you, one of my clients whose family owns the world’s foremost brand of luxury hamster food has passed away, opening up a slot.
Let’s just take a quick look at the total value of your liquid assets. Right. Uh-oh. That is not promising, not at all. I am very sorry to tell you this, but we cannot pursue a relationship. No, it is not possible. On the contrary, it is impossible. Why, you ask? Ha!
When you first made contact with us, you identified yourself as an UHNWI. But you, dear sir, are a mere HNWI. Did you think that I wouldn’t notice? Yes, you have got 24.3 million euros in liquid assets. No, that is not enough. No, you may not include your vacation home in Antibes, the pig farm in Andalusia, or your collection of rare Pokemon cards. Those are all as illiquid as Ennio’s ristretto.
Allow me to ask you a question, sir. Do we look like a financial institution that caters to simple HNWIs? Did you not notice the twin valets, one to park your car and the other to pick it up? The gold-lined marble countertops at the reception? The yacht-themed artwork? The term UHNWI is plastered all over our website, business cards, and marketing material. How could you possibly believe we’d be interested in dealing with a common HNWI?
Pardon my outburst. It’s just that I’m not used to being around HNWIs. I don’t even know how to talk to you. I’m sure you’re very good at being wealthy, but just not good enough to join our client list. There’s no need to get offended. Having 24.3 million in liquid assets is nothing to be ashamed of, even if our lowest UHNWI has five times that. Let me check my contacts. Perhaps I can suggest a wealth manager at an ordinary retail bank.
Yes, by all means, take a tissue. Please do not shout. Sir, that is uncalled-for. I am simply doing my job, and the blame for this misunderstanding rests on you. I am not a psychologist, but I highly suggest you start being honest with yourself. The first step is to look in the mirror and say: my name is Mr. Becker, and I am only an HNWI. Me? Oh, I am very honest with myself. I am a private banker who knows his ideal client profile.
Jonathan, Carlos. Please come to my office immediately to escort out Mr. Becker.
Goodbye, sir, and should you ever become an UHNWI, I do invite you to pay us another visit.
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Originally published by RTL Today
