LUXEMBOURG CITY – Unbeknownst to him, a foreign man who took off his shirt during an afternoon jog in the city has committed the gravest of social offenses, one that will damage his career, haunt his children, and reverberate through the ages.
The misdeed, which officials from the state, church, and even sports organizations have described as “sin-like” and “worthy of a social red card,” occurred on Wednesday while the man was jogging through the Kinnekswiss.
“I fancied the idea of soaking up some rays to boost my vitamin D while enjoying a cooling breeze on my body,” said Simon Rugner. “So I peeled off my shirt, much as I’ve done hundreds of times back in my home country.”
Observers struggled to make sense of the ghastly sight.
“At first I thought he was a ghost, so pale was his skin, but then I figured out that the only logical explanation was that the man had been the victim of a crime, that someone had stolen his shirt, and he was in hot pursuit of the thief,” said Frederica Regata, a mother who was pushing her child in a stroller at the time.
“Alas, no,” she continued. “It dawned on me, with a creeping sense of disgust and outrage, that this man had purposefully removed his shirt without any concern for those unfortunate souls who might inadvertently glance at his bare torso with its odd constellation of birthmarks, sad little patch of chest hair, and his man nipples that serve no purpose but to offend others.”
“We need more laws,” agreed an observer. “I shall immediately launch a petition.”
In other news, thousands of Luxembourg residents have announced that their weekend plans include going to a spa and relaxing by sitting in small, enclosed spaces in the company of nude strangers.
