A U.S. citizen who works in the Grand Duchy says he’s “shocked” by Luxembourgers’ refusal to have visceral reactions to American politics, and he strongly wishes they’d have a far less nuanced view of the recent elections.
On Wednesday, the day after Election Day, several of the man’s Luxembourgish colleagues asked for his thoughts, thinking it would be a suitable topic for a few minutes of morning chit-chat.
Instead, the 40-year-old product manager from Washington launched into a rant that started with indignation, transitioned to fury, and ended with extreme pessimism. He vowed his full support for one presidential candidate while characterizing the other as a demonic buffoon with bad breath.
“So that’s what I think,” the American said and added, almost as an afterthought, “and what do you all think?”
According to sources, one Luxembourgish colleague took a deep breath, looked out the window as if counting the number of clouds in the sky, and listed in the calmest voice possible qualities that each candidate possesses that makes him desirable to his base.
Another Luxembourger in the group examined each candidate through a European lens, analyzing their positions vis-a-via the EU, concluding that Luxembourg has always had a solid relationship with the U.S. no matter which president was in office.
“Can’t you be a little more absolutist and categorical?” shouted the frustrated American. “Stop with all this pragmatism, looking-at-both-sides crap. Lose your temper and spit a little. Come on.”
“If I wanted nuance and careful examination, I’d have asked you to accompany me to a wine-tasting event in a home for retired sommeliers,” he added, his eyes now bloodshot. “I want black and white, good and bad, right and wrong.”
Hours later, after he’d calmed down, the American sent out an email to his colleagues apologizing for his outburst. He did warn them, however, that if they ever want to discuss U.S. politics with him, they should expect him to characterize one candidate as a baby Hitler and the other as a Jedi trying to save the galaxy.