Finally answering the question “where the hell did all those sixty-plus millions of euros of embezzled money go?” a source for the now mostly defunct Caritas Luxembourg has presented the organization’s latest acquisition: a luxury yacht lovingly named Charity.
“You may wonder why we’d need a luxury yacht that’s docked safely away from EU territorial waters and the jurisdiction of EUROPOL when our mission was to help people in Luxembourg, but allow me to explain,” said a soon-to-be former executive speaking on the condition of anonymity from a location he (or she) asked not to be disclosed.
“This yacht has three ensuite cabins, a sauna that converts into a London-themed discotheque, and a swimming pool in the shape of a four-armed mermaid holding three glasses of champagne and one slice of pizza,” the executive said. “All the countertops are made from pink marble, and there’s a fitness room with a personal trainer named Katya who placed second in the 2019 Minsk Powerlifting Championships.”
“We neither plan on using this yacht for good causes nor inviting needy people to enjoy the view from its Baltic teak deck while sipping on cocktails made by one of its full-time crew of twenty-four fit and suntanned young adults who were recruited based on the whiteness of their teeth,” the executive continued. “No, this yacht has more of a symbolic value, which is so much more helpful than any real service we can provide.”
The executive says the acquisition sends a very powerful message.
“If someone managed to carry out this crazy scheme right under the noses of the directors, banks, and auditors, that tells needy people in Luxembourg that they, too, may one day rise high enough in a respected charity organization, gain the trust of colleagues and bank staff, and learn how to get around financial controls so that they, too, can embezzle millions by securing loans in the organization’s name and transferring the funds to foreign bank accounts to buy a dream yacht.”
“Giving hope is the greatest act of charity.”
