The Grand Duchy’s office for unofficial statistics, UNSTATEC, has released new figures showing that home burglary is now the biggest jobs sector, beating out more established ones like sausage farming and orchid sitting. To local burglars, the report comes as no surprise. “Luxembourg is full of homes, nice unguarded homes,” said one burglar who last […]
UN to take over Luxembourg City roadworks disaster
NEW YORK — Describing the driving situation in Luxembourg City as “so bad that even the leather-clad masochists who used to flock there just to get stuck in traffic are running away,” the United Nations has announced it will be taking over the reconstruction of the city’s streets. Operation UNMILV calls for hundreds of peacekeeping […]
Civil servant able to communicate using only half-dead look in eyes
DINGLEDANGE — Residents of this rural commune have been flocking to see a local state employee who has a rare talent: he can communicate using nothing more than a half-dead look in his eyes. “He doesn’t use words, not in the traditional sense,” says longtime resident Pol Toumblé, who estimates he’s interacted with civil servant […]
Father tells scary story about time he went to Gare after dark
Admitting later that perhaps they’re too young to hear about such horrors, a local father has recounted to his children the spookiest bedtime story they’ve ever heard: about the time he found himself near the Gare after dark. “So kids, I was new to Luxembourg, and I was supposed to meet some colleagues for dinner […]
Half of Luxembourg population turn into slugs
In a sudden, nation-wide transformation that began earlier this week, at least half of Luxembourg’s some 600,000 human residents have transformed into slugs. “Just leave me alone, okay?” gurgled one slug named Serenella, who was spotted on Thursday slinking off to the Walferdange restaurant she manages. “At this pace, it’s going to take me forever […]
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