In response to increasing acts of aggression and criminality in Luxembourg City’s Gare district, the VDL has announced it will install a fearsome Eye of Sauron above the train station. The Eye, composed of equal parts fire and fury, will be suspended between two giant prongs, and ideally it will keep people in the area […]
Supply of Letz-verb business names will run out, warns expert
Citing the popularity of giving new businesses names that combine “Letz” and a verb, an expert has warned that we will soon run out of viable combinations. “From yoga teachers and life coaches to wedding planners and hamster breeders, everyone is doing it,” said Dr. Filomena Hopper, a University of Wiltz business professor and owner […]
‘Close all 12 streets that remain open,’ orders VDL official with maniacal laughter
LUXEMBOURG-VILLE — At a press conference on Wednesday to address the traffic crisis, the official who oversees transportation and roadworks in the city suddenly grew annoyed with criticism and, in a moment of madness, ordered the remaining 12 open streets to be closed. The official, going by the alias “Minister X,” at first attempted to […]
‘Insanity, heart attacks, possibly death’ the price for tram, official affirms
Responding to criticism that the worsening traffic in Luxembourg City is tearing the social fabric, a top official is reminding the public that inconvenience is the price to pay for the construction of a light rail network. “Look, you wanted a tram, so that means digging holes and laying tracks,” said Lettie Folper, the city’s […]
Home burglary fastest growing jobs sector
The Grand Duchy’s office for unofficial statistics, UNSTATEC, has released new figures showing that home burglary is now the biggest jobs sector, beating out more established ones like sausage farming and orchid sitting. To local burglars, the report comes as no surprise. “Luxembourg is full of homes, nice unguarded homes,” said one burglar who last […]
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