An expat couple who have lived in Luxembourg for most of their adult lives yet never learned any of the three official languages have brought a child into the world to atone for their linguistic sins, it has been revealed.
The girl, named Agnes, was born at the CHL maternity clinic last Friday. She was welcomed into the world by her parents with the words “hi there sweetie” and “hola mi amor” but, as prophesized, responded by lipping the word “moien.”
“She is our sacrificial lamb,” said the father, Sam. “At the age of three, we will throw her into the public school system where she will learn Luxembourgish, and later we can force her to speak Luxembourgish in front of strangers, and our sins will be forgiven.”
“At her birth, the clouds did break, and the angels did trumpet the national anthem ‘Ons Heemecht,’” said the mother Laila. “But will learning Luxembourgish in school be enough? Will we need to hire a tutor?”
However, not all scholars agree that having a child who learns Luxembourgish is enough to atone for the sins of its expat parents.
“As it’s written in the ancient texts, the child must also learn German and French, but not too well,” said one religious linguistic expert. “Upon entering into adulthood, the child must fully integrate by becoming a civil servant, and only then will forgiveness of the parents be granted.”