Dear West,
I know that you are not one uniform whole, but since I always refer to NATO, the US, the EU, your dozens of allies around the world including Japan, South Korea, and Australia, and basically anyone who has ever enjoyed a Marvel movie or eaten a rainbow-sprinkled doughnut from Dunkin’ Donuts as “The West,” I figure I shouldn’t change now.
True, Russia’s relationship with the West (there’s that word again!) isn’t the best these days, but I need to ask for a favor. Would you mind sharing a little of your military intelligence? You know, like, high-definition satellite images of Ukraine, Russian military radio transmissions you’ve recorded and are analyzing, that sort of thing.
Why? Just curious, you know. You don’t believe me? Okay, truth time.
My advisors are telling me we’re kicking ass, but when some of our battalions come back, they’re missing like 32 tanks and like a hundred personnel carriers. I’m like, what the hell is going on?! My logistics guy tells me that someone must have made a mistake in counting, and that I need to contact the guy at the depot in Kursk. But the guy in Kursk tells me to talk to Colonel Solovyov, ‘cause he’s the one in charge of the battalion, but when I call the colonel, some lieutenant answers and says Colonel Solovyov is on the pot and that he’ll call me back later. Round and round we go.
I admit this is highly unusual considering that our relationship is at its worst since, hell, that missile incident in 1962, but think about the good times we used to have. Remember all those memes of me, shirtless, riding around on a horse? I’ll bet they generated literally billions of smiles. Good, honest fun. And remember that time at the G20 when I farted, and President Hollande made a joke about “Russian chemical weapons,” and we have a good laugh, and when Chancellor Merkel gave us a dirty look it just made us laugh more, and then 30 seconds later she gave in and started laughing too, and “Russian chemical weapons” became our private joke? Oh, man, that was hilarious, and for a moment, we were the best of friends.
So, how about it? Could you give an old friend some of that juicy intel I know you got?
Vladimir Putin is the president of the Russian Federation
