A team of archeologists from the University of Wiltz have discovered what is probably the earliest overpriced home in Luxembourg City: a small Neanderthal cave dwelling that was certainly worth far less than the asking price, they say.
The cave, located in Cents, was discovered last year. Inside were the 50,000-year-old remains of a male and female Neanderthal, say the researchers.
“We are quite certain that the male was a prehistoric property agent, based on the remnants of grease we found on his skull, grease that he used to confidently slick back what must have been thick, healthy Neanderthal hair,” said team leader Jonas Hoffman. “We also found pointy, Mediterranean-style shoes on his Neanderthal feet, which we assume were fashionable at the time.”
“Inscribed on the wall near him were the cave dimensions that he showed to potential buyers, dimensions which were greatly exaggerated,” Hoffman added. “The diameter looks nowhere near the length of 24 ibex horns, as he claimed, more like 15 or 16.”
Hoffman and his team believe that the female remains belonged to a Neanderthal cave-seeker, one who had relocated to the area and was becoming increasingly desperate because of the scarcity of available caves.
“The very skeletal structure of her brow is arched, as if she permanently wore an expression on her face that said, ‘Are you kidding me? 110 seashells, 12 bear hides, and nine satchels of deer jerky for this shitty cave?”
Hoffman suggests that the property agent was trying to demonstrate the sturdiness of the cave and probably slapped the walls too hard, causing the entrance to collapse, trapping the two Neanderthals inside forever.
“This is pure speculation, but one can imagine that even after the two realized they would perish in the cave, the agent continued trying to make a sale,” Hoffman said. “He probably kept telling the woman that if she liked the place, she should act now because there was a wealthy Homo sapiens couple from the south of France that had also visited and were ready to make an offer.”