An entrepreneurial mugger who has seen his income explode over the past 12 months has created his own company.
Donald “Don” Moiton-Collier, 22, relocated to Luxembourg City last winter after a friend here told him about the amazing opportunities in the field of the forceful removal of personal belongings.
However, he says that success didn’t come easy, and that mugging requires the right mix of patience, aggression, and a willingness to cover your face with latex scars to look more menacing.
“Also, you have to learn which jewelry is valuable and which is cheap crap that will make your buyer in Brussels roll his eyes and call you an idiot, or worse, order his friend Bruno to smack you on the side of the head.”
Moiton-Collier says that thanks to his experience, he now has an advantage over newly arrived young muggers who try to compete against him.
“A lot of new guys are showing up, but they don’t even know the best places to mug, so they are targeting junior accountants waiting for the tram near the Gare, and they’re only getting Fitbit watches and last year’s iPhones,” he said. “Meanwhile, I’m working the best neighborhoods, focusing on rich ladies walking to the coiffeur, and I’m getting Vuitton purses, diamond necklaces, and expensive fedoras that actually look nice on women.”
“I’m not saying all women should wear fedoras,” he added. “You’ve got to have certain classical facial features, otherwise you end up looking like Indiana Jones’s sister.”
Moiton-Collier’s office will be located on an undisclosed street close to the city center which will allow him, he says, to simply lean out the door and snatch items from people walking by.
“It’s the natural progression in the mugging business model,” he said. “After that, I will try to get into the notary business, where the real money is.”
