Explaining that the decision makes good business sense, a consortium representing Gare-district drug dealers has announced that its 79 members are going to switch to dealing bottled water.
“There’s more demand, and the customer base is huge,” explained Gare Dealers United president Stan Don-Korner. “Market reports tell us that 93 percent of neighborhood residents need a fix of bottled water at least once a day, but only 0.5 percent of residents use narcotics during the same period.”
Don-Korner explains that drug dealing is a risky business, one in which profits rise and fall dramatically due to unpredictable external forces like low-quality supply, sales staff getting arrested, or a cartel submarine en route from Mexico to Europe sinking off the coast of Normandy.
“With bottled water, the profit margins are huge,” he said. “Clean water literally comes out of your sink faucet almost for free, but people still want the good stuff. They’re absolutely addicted to it.”
“You want some Jamaican Sparkling, some Amsterdam Mineral Gold, some good flat shit that comes from the Alps, full of magnesium and calcium?” he added. “What do you want, my man?”
