People of Luxembourg, I understand that many of you are shocked and furious. You would like to act in some meaningful manner, but you don’t know how. Well, I have an idea. One of the most powerful statements you can make is to get rid of any bottles of good Russian vodka you have in your liquor cabinets. That’s right. Put them in a box, and give them to me.
Along with ice-skating bears and those fur caps whose name I don’t know, Russian vodka is, quite literally, a very potent symbol of the country, and removing it from your home is a meaningful gesture. Even if, like me, you haven’t been to Russia, you have probably watched movie scenes of Russians breaking into an energetic folk dance, fuelled by copious amounts of vodka.
I am willing to take nearly all such bottles, including the one your friend gave you seven years ago after a visit to St. Petersburg, as well as the one you bought last summer for your garden party when you planned to make cosmopolitans but didn’t because your husband forgot to pick up cranberry juice even though that was the main reason you sent him to Auchain in the first place.
My offer to accept your Russian vodka is not something I take lightly. Like most economically comfortable drinkers in Luxembourg, I enjoy variety. One day it’s Trappist beer, the next day I go for a bourbon, and the next day, a refreshing gin and tonic quenches my thirst. I have to admit that vodka is not my favorite alcoholic drink, even if I have tasted some very good ones in my life. But if I have to stick with vodka for the next few years in order to help you take a stand, so be it.
My storage space is not unlimited, and therefore I ask you to only unburden yourselves of Russian vodka that is of a decent quality. As for the rest, I am sure there are others to take if off your hands. Actually, if you really want to get rid of some of your crappy vodka, I know a guy who can help. His name is … actually, it is best to let me deal with him. He is rather ill-tempered, and one time he tried to push me through a window.
Peter Voerdont lives in Capellen