An affluent woman from Mamer is being lauded this week for having discovered a formerly unknown group of humans in Luxembourg which she has named “a body-using, hand-working underclass.”
“I woke up early and observed some men stealing my bins,” says Val Haark, a stay-at-home mother who in her spare time blogs about designer children’s socks. “At first I took them to be scavengers, the type you see in science fiction movies, so I went outside to chase them away.”
“I didn’t have anything hard to throw at them except for some old macaroons from Ladurée,” she continued. “One of the beings escaped into the bushes, but another stayed and argued in some barely comprehensible Latin-Germanic hybrid that it was their job to collect my rubbish.”
“As absurd as the story sounds, it made sense, because every Tuesday the stuff in my bin miraculously disappears, but I always assumed it was sucked out by some kind of collection drone,” she added.
Haark says that after her peculiar morning experience, she spent the rest of the day driving around and collecting photographic evidence of other puffy-eyed individuals performing manual labor in exchange for money.
“How curious that there are so many people who exist on the fringes of our perception, who make little noise yet seem to serve a grand purpose, and without whom we might find ourselves with dirty sidewalks, malfunctioning traffic lights, and ugly toenails,” she said.
Most shocking during her day of investigation, Haark says, was when she discovered one such individual in a petrol station she has visited hundreds of times to fill up her Land Rover.
“I know that service stations are run by automatons, machine-driven figures to whom one need not show any courtesy because they lack human feelings,” she said. “However, on this particular day during the payment process, instead of keeping my eyes on my phone while inserting my card in the reader, I looked up and was met with a sentient being who was asking me if I wanted to buy some discounted chocolate.”