LUXEMBOURG-VILLE — Saying that she was applying the full force of justice, on Tuesday a Luxembourg judge sentenced a local troublemaker to spend an entire Saturday at Auchan in Kirchberg during the last days before Christmas.
“This sentence may seem cruel, but it only matches the wickedness of your misdeeds,” said the presiding judge.
The defendant was convicted of a variety of seasonal crimes, ranging from dunking his Gromperekichelcher in ketchup, failing to keep track of his refund token after procuring a mug of Glühwein, to cutting in front of old Luxembourgish women in the free gift-wrapping line at City Concorde.
Activists have already issued a statement, arguing that forcing anyone to go to Auchan on a Saturday, let alone on one just before Christmas, amounts to human rights abuse.
“I once spent a morning at Auchan getting stuff for a Christmas meal for 12 people — four of them vegans, and another one gluten intolerant, mind you — and to this day I don’t know how I survived,” said activist Vivianne Koepp. “After an hour, my mind started turning to mush and playing tricks on me.”
“At some point, I started believing that I was the reincarnation of Mother Teresa of Luxembourg, and I started giving out bottles of crémant and plastic containers of kachkéis,” she added. “That was before the big fellows who stand outside and give everyone a menacing look threw me out.”
The sentence is lighter than what the prosecutor had requested, which was to require the defendant to find a parking spot in the city center while the Christmas market was in full swing, which experts say could take as long as a full week.