Are you running in the Luxembourg ING Night Marathon? Follow these simple tips to get an edge over the competition.
Preparation
It’s never a good idea to attempt a difficult athletic event without knowing if you’re up to the challenge. Do what the pros do: on race day, arrive at Lux Expo a few hours early and do a practice marathon.
Food
While some runners say that prior to the event you should eat full meals with plenty of carbohydrates, a far more effective strategy is to eat nothing. Just before the race starts, find an elite runner and secretly attach a hamburger to his back. It’s amazing how fast you’ll go to get your hands on that juicy burger.
Stretching
Right before the race starts, you’ll observe competitors grunting and doing weird movements like pulling their heels to their butts and waving their arms in circles. Similar to the haka performed by New Zealand sports teams, these displays are how runners try to intimidate each other. Show them you’re not afraid! Get on all fours, crawl in a circle, and growl like a bear.
Pacing
Plenty of so-called experts say you should start a race slowly and maintain nothing above a steady pace. However, if you want to win, you should push to the front of the pack early on and sprint for as long as you can. When the other competitors see how fast you can run, most of them will give up and go home.
Stay cool
When running a race, it’s important that you stay cool. If you feel like you’re overheating, put on a pair of chic sunglasses and start giving high-fives to spectators while saying things like, “I got this covered, bro.”
Samba drums
Along the race course, you’re going to pass dozens of groups of people enthusiastically playing Brazilian samba drums. It’s easy to assume that these drummers are friendly volunteers here to encourage you, but they’re actually gypsy buskers. To avoid getting a gypsy curse cast on you, carry plenty of dried thyme and a fat coin purse. Each time you pass a drummer, place a sprig of thyme and a euro at his or her feet.
Secret trick
Here’s a good trick to ensure success when you can’t be bothered to actually run the whole 21 or 42 kilometers. When the starting pistol goes off, instead of running forward with the others, slowly walk backwards until you cross the finish line, and keep going for 50 meters or so. When you’re ready, sprint forward and cross the finish line. Congratulations! You’ve won!
