LUXEMBOURG-VILLE — Commuters who are fed up with traffic congestion in the capital will soon be able to fly their way to work.
A spokesperson for Luxair says that the airline is opening five domestic routes to and from Luxembourg Airport in Findel. The new routes will connect the airport with Esch-sur-Alzette, Grevenmacher, Mersch, Strassen and the city center.
“Just last week, I spent two hours driving back home to Petange,” said Arnaud Muller, who oversees the company’s newly formed domestic flights division. “It’s only 30 fucking kilometers.”
Muller says that a flight to Esch and a shuttle ride to Petange would require a quarter of that time.
“And that’s including check-in, getting frisked by a security guard because something near your crotch is setting off the metal detector, and making a long, relaxing visit to the toilet,” he said.
The earliest flight, at 5:35 a.m., will depart from a dirt runway at a dairy farm in Strassen and arrive at Luxembourg Airport four minutes later.
The longest route, which under normal, rainy circumstances will take four minutes and 19 seconds, is Luxembourg Airport-Grevenmacher, and the shortest route — which should last just under 35 seconds — is from the airport to the city center.
“We haven’t yet sorted out the landing at Hamilius, as city officials are stubbornly refusing to close off one lane on Avenue Royal for our runway,” Muller said. “But customers shouldn’t worry because we’re developing a plan that would allow passengers to parachute into Place d’Armes.”
While no beverages will be served on any of the new short-haul domestic flights, passengers will be given a gourmet breath mint to suck on during the abbreviated safety demonstration and in-flight entertainment that will include attendants telling a knock-knock joke and singing one or two stanzas of “Ons Heemecht,” Luxembourg’s national anthem.