Facing yet more demands that English be adopted as the fourth official language of Luxembourg, the government has decided to agree on the condition that they choose which English it is.
“To the Brits, don’t think we’re going to adopt the Queen’s English just because the UK is, or was, in Europe,” the government said in a statement released on Thursday.
“Same goes for Americans,” it added. “Don’t get your hopes up that American English will be the norm, even if we all drink Coca-Cola and watch U.S. Netflix series every night.”
The statement went on to say that Australians, New Zealanders, Canadians, and South Africans will also not be accommodated. Whichever English is chosen, it will be idiosyncratic, incomprehensible to most other native English speakers, and imbued with a rural, agricultural charm to which Luxembourgers can relate.
“Once, when I was hiking through the far southwest of Ireland, Country Kerry it was, I had a pint in a pub and began to speak with some gentleman next to me,” said one minister who asked not to be named. “They were very funny, kind, and charming, but I didn’t understand a single word they said, and that’s the English I’d like.”
“I’ve got a friend from Hong Kong, and her English is most adorable and incomprehensible,” said a deputy. “That’s the English I’m voting for.”
“Let’s not limit ourselves to contemporary or even real dialects,” said another deputy. “There’s Old English, Middle English, Shakespearean English. The English of movies like ‘Trainspotting’ and ‘A Clockwork Orange.’ The possibilities are endless.”