An expat couple who pay a cleaning woman the bare minimum to make biweekly visits to their home have convinced themselves that she enjoys working for them — despite that they leave their house in such a filthy state that it could be mistaken for an actual pigsty where all the other farm animals hang out and party.
“If she didn’t like tidying up after two slobs who can’t hang up their coats and for whom ‘dishwashing’ is an abstract concept, she would change jobs, right?” said Inge Patterson, a stay-at-home trophy wife who stopped folding her own clothes six years ago after she noticed it roughened her fingertips.
“Take me, for example,” said husband Andrew. “At a young age, I learned that I enjoyed bossing people around while sitting in a big chair, so I took the management path. I’m sure the cleaning lady was called to this vocation. She must derive a certain deep satisfaction from being stuck sweeping up piles of crumbs for two adult children who have never picked up a broom in their lives.”
The couple admit that throwing garbage into the bin rather than on the floor might be a nice gesture, but it would defeat the purpose of paying someone to do it.
“I am not expected to help the coiffeuse cut my bangs, am I?” Inge said. “The mechanic at the Audi garage doesn’t ask Andrew to check the oil himself, does he? So why should we do the cleaning lady’s job for her?”
“If she didn’t like scraping our dried excreta, bits of soiled paper, and other disgusting remnants from our toilet, she’d have quit by now,” said Inge.
“Still, we really should ask her to come more often,” Andrew said. “It’s becoming rather unpleasant only having the toilet flushed twice per week.”
Sources indicate that the cleaning lady, although discreet and polite in the presence of her employers, has more than 100,000 followers on a Twitter account solely dedicated to chronicling the couple’s horribleness. Also, she has recently published a memoir about her life as a Luxembourg cleaning lady, a book in which the Pattersons play a central role. Another source has claimed that the memoir has already been optioned for a major Hollywood movie which will likely be called “Andrew and Inge Patterson: Disgusting.”