LUXEMBOURG-VILLE — In response to a recent petition asking the state to provide free Luxembourgish lessons to anyone who wants them, expats all around the country are saying that such a plan doesn’t go far enough.
“Cute idea, but here in the real world, our time is precious,” said one expat. “Between work, hot yoga, and Netflix, I don’t have time for language classes, so if you want me to learn, you’re going to have to pay me.”
“Put a wad of money in my pocket, and then we’ll start talking your language,” said another. “We want cash for every word we learn.”
An integration official first called the demands “ridiculous” but later admitted that paying people to learn Luxembourgish is the best solution to widespread laziness and apathy.
“Okay, you win,” said Claude Muller, head of the Office of Creative Language Initiatives, at a press conference on Friday. “We’ll give you five cents for every word.”
When told that the offer was so abysmal that even beggars would turn it down, Muller raised his offer.
“You expats play a tough game, so here’s our final offer,” he said. “Fifty cents a word, but if it’s a verb you’ve got to know how to conjugate it, does that work for you?”
After being informed that residents can earn the same amount of money, and with much less frustration, by picking up bottles off the ground and selling them, the official increased his offer.
“I get, if we want results, we’re really going to have to pay,” he said. “Final offer: five euros in cash per word, but you have to pronounce each one the right way. None of this mumbling stuff or saying ‘ich’ when you should be saying ‘ech.’”
“And no more than 1000 words per resident,” he continued. “We want you to learn our language, but we don’t want to bankrupt ourselves.”
“Oh, still not persuaded?” he added. “Fine, we’ll throw in a milk cow and 100 kilograms of our finest potatoes.”
Sources indicate that after only three people took up the offer, officials are now in negotiations with the royal family to offer a hereditary title and a small castle in the Éislek to anyone who manages to attain a level of A1.2.