“We already have number plates with just four digits, and these are highly prized by those men who wash their cars every Sunday and get offended when someone doesn’t compliment their custom leather seats,” said SNCA spokesman Otto Moe Biel. “These men are douches, no doubt about that, and they deserve their four-digit plates.”
“But let’s be clear,” he continued. “Within this pool of douches is a subset of mega douches, the douche elite, shall we say, who merit special recognition.”
“I’m talking about those men who see themselves as veritable kings of the streets, motorways, and parking lots,” Biel said. “Those aggressive, selfish pricks who feed off the rage, frustration, and jealousy of normal people who just want to safely go from point A to point B.”
Because fewer than 1000 of these three-digit plates will be available, competition to get one will be fierce, Biel says. The SNCA will rigorously screen applicants before consideration is even given.
“Any douche wishing to obtain a three-digit plate must either have a luxury or sports car with a bunch of extra letters or numbers in the model name, or a car in which they have invested at least 500 hours of free time and half their yearly salary,” Biel said.
“They also need to prove they regularly take up two parking spaces, and they should have endangered the lives of no fewer than 100 cyclists during the previous year,” he continued.
“Also, while not necessary, preferential treatment will be given to douches whose social media profiles are full of photos of them posing next to their vehicles,” he added.
Biel says that in case SNCA employees find it impossible to narrow the field, the agency will host a “douche off” in which the applicants gather in a giant parking lot for an hour and exhibit their douchiest behavior.