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Luxembourg Wurst

Knock A Shining Dog

Man comes out as renter

October 27, 2021

After years of hiding the truth from his friends and coworkers, a man who by all outward appearances seemed financially comfortable has admitted he is a renter.

Those who know Franklin Diambi say the 35-year-old lawyer always acted like he was just one of them and never mentioned a landlord or property management company.

“He’s got a good job as senior legal counsel, a leased BMW that matches his social status, and he’s always going on expensive vacations to places like Saint-Tropez or the Maldives,” says Henri Voss, a partner at Diambi’s law firm. “I just assumed he owned property.”

However, some peers say that Niambi did give off certain non-owner vibes. 

“In a way, I kind of always knew,” said friend Veronica Lozario. “Maybe it’s the way he dropped his shoulders a little when we all excitedly talked about how our property values might again double in the next 10 years and how many castles in the Loire Valley we were going to buy when we retire and sell our Luxembourg homes.”

Fellow lawyer Philippe D’Avocado says he always knew Diambi’s little secret thanks to a sixth sense D’Avocado possesses called “Rent-ar” that alerts him to the presence of renters. 

“It was so obvious that Franklin didn’t own a house or apartment,” D’Avocado said. “His ignorance of how much professional painters charge, the fact he doesn’t even know what interest rates are like, all of it screams: hello, I am a renter.”

Experts say that while among certain socio-economic classes being renter carries a terrible stigma, some people with incomes greater than 100k are increasingly tolerant. This shift is a cause for celebration among renter pride associations.

“We’re going to pick a date and declare it National Renters Coming Out Day,” said activist Hannah Sauer, a doctor who for decades lied about not owning a home and says that the burden of her secret nearly crushed her. “We’ll have gatherings where renters can show off, tell the world how much in rent they pay per month, and tell funny and embarrassing stories about not having a functional toilet for three weeks because their landlords blamed them for breaking it and refused to pay for repairs.”

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