Verifiers from the University of Wiltz have confirmed that all 343,104,002 Americans appear in the so-called Epstein files, after having examined a recent release of millions of pages of documents related to the deceased financier and convicted sex offender.
Working day and night in teams of several dozen, the verifiers from the university’s Office of Checking, part of the Institute for Transparency, scoured the documents. Every time they came across a new name, they put a tick next to it on a giant list they had of all U.S. citizens and residents.
“We expected to find on the list the names of a few thousand immoral Americans, plus a handful of dastardly Britons and a smattering of vile types from Europe and beyond,” said senior verifier Annette Kontur. “After a few hours, it became apparent that we had greatly underestimated the number.”
“Everyone, from the conservative grandmother in rural Nebraska to the anarchist sociology professor in Chicago, from the pretty bartender you encountered during your trip to Los Angeles three years ago, to the couple selling tacos on a street corner in Dallas, are in the files,” she continued, adding that each of the 343,104,002 people appear to be either likely culprits, possible accomplices, censurable observers, or victims,” Kontur said.
When asked about a response to the revelations, the U.S. shrugged, asked what was on television, and announced a desire for snacks.
