A new church dedicated to worshipping the bountiful and all-powerful property market has opened its doors in Kirchberg.
The inspiration for the church came from Jean-Claude Hustler, whose modest three-bedroom house that his great-grandfather bought for six donkeys and a bottle of wine is now worth two million euros.
“I was sitting in my garden observing a square meter of dirt growing in value at a rate of one euro every 36 seconds,” he said. “Suddenly, I heard the glorious sound of a Hämmelsmarsch.”
Hustler says he looked down the street, but no one was there. The music was coming from the sky.
“I was struck by a powerful vision,” he said. “A real-estate agent wearing a suit of fire, surrounded on all sides by a dozen elderly trombonists bathed in light and playing off-key.”
Although he was terrified, he was also comforted and found himself unable to run or even look away.
“This glowing angel, whom I shall call Michel because that’s what it said on the business card he later gave me, reached out,” Hustler said. “His hand turned into a ray of light that caressed my face, and he said he’d always be there for me, should I ever wish to sell.”
It was at that moment that Hustler realized he’s a very wealthy man, he says, and that his assets will only grow in value – all thanks to the power of the holy property market.
“Whose mercy and grace touches all homeowners in Luxembourg, yet to whom we offer no thanks or praise,” he said.
Hustler immediately drove around his neighborhood, using a loudspeaker to encourage his neighbors to join him.
“Praise be to the market!” he said. “Mysterious, all-powerful, and beneficent to 86.1 perent of Luxemborugers and 56.6 percent of foreign residents.”
The church is estimated to already have 350,000 devout believers and adherents, Hustler says, although many of them have not yet officially joined.
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