Fed up with people who only come to Luxembourg to satisfy the base desire to save a few euros on certain items, officials have decided to build red light districts in border areas for fuel, cigarette, and alcohol tourism.
Residents say they are relieved they will no longer have to share precious space in petrol stations with these sorts of tourists.
“We all know what it’s like getting stuck behind a French couple with matching mullets,” said Differdange resident Jean-Marc Netfrou. “We become very judgemental, and then we feel embarrassed because we’re so judgmental.”
“And then our shame turns into indignation because it’s our right to be judgmental,” he continued. “And when it’s their turn, they spend an hour discussing whether to buy 10 cartons of Marlboros or 15 cartons of Lucky Strikes.”
One stay-at-home mother from Remich is also voicing support for the plan, saying it will benefit decent folk who just want to fill up their Porsches and grab a bottle of overpriced crémant on the way home from yoga class.
“One time I was at a gas station with my six-year-old Liam,” she said. “All of the sudden, he looked at me, his brown eyes full of confusion, and he said, Mommy, don’t those people in the motorcycle jackets have petrol stations where they come from?”
“What could I say?” she added. “He’s too young to learn about the Schengen Agreement, VAT, and income disparity.”
However, not all Luxembourg residents are in favor of isolating fuel and cigarette tourists.
“Making cross-border indulgers buy cigarettes and booze in public places forces them to control their darkest urges,” said one campainger. “There’s always an old couple or a family with children in line behind them.”
With these new red light districts, many fuel and cigarette tourists will know no limits, she says.
“They’ll decide to pop over to Oberpallen, you know, just to ‘check out the price of diesel’ and ‘look for specials on Gauloises Blonde,’” she said. “They’ll get home six hours later, broke and morally bankrupt.”
“And they’ll have nothing to show for it but five canisters of rolling tobacco, a dozen bottles of Johnnie Walker Red Label that were marked down to 11.99, and a giant bag of decaf coffee pads.”