LUXEMBOURG-VILLE — Saying “whoa, hey, somebody stop that thing,” Luxembourg government officials stood by helplessly as the mechanism that was developed to automate salary indexation malfunctioned, giving everyone a pay increase of 23,456 percent.
The red-faced officials admitted that although the increase was enormous and would likely bankrupt every employer, there was nothing they could do.
“We set up this mechanism to remove the subjective human factor from salary indexation, to make it fair, and now look,” they said. “We’re sorry.”
“On the positive side,” they added. “Every worker in Luxembourg will now be able to build a skyscraper in their garden, and they’ll probably have enough money left over for a dream yacht.”
Karen Schuler, who teaches German at a private language school in Esch, says she was delighted when her employer informed her that starting in January, her monthly salary would go from €2600 euros to €609,556.
“I never thought I’d be in the market to buy my own Airbus A320, but now I’m looking,” she said.
Lawyer Remy Finch says that thanks to his new €2,111,040 monthly salary, he’ll be making more than the most senior partner in his firm.
“Ha!” he said. “And I’m only a junior.”
“Not so fast,” said founding partner Pierre Ernstel. “To finance the indexation, we’re increasing our fees by a factor of 25, just to be safe, which means I’ll also be earning more.”
“If my calculations are correct, I’ll be pulling in €11,728,000 a month, or €391,000 a day, in other words, 271 euros every minute, even when I’m sleeping.”
“You will never surpass me,” he added.
Several major supermarket chains have also announced a price increase in order to pay for the indexation.
“It might seem like our new prices will be out of reach to most consumers except Jeff Bezos or certain southeast Asian monarchs,” said a spokesperson for the discount German food chain Aldi. “But we’re only raising our prices just as much as the indexation.”
“A baguette will now cost around 304 euros, and a pack of four Mettwurst can be purchased for 1400 euros.”