A man who for more than a decade decried the local housing market as both “an indisputable bubble” and “a monumental scam” instantaneously changed his tune when he signed on the purchase of a house.
For years, Jorek Goresh and his wife Ludmilla half-heartedly looked for a home to buy near Luxembourg City, where they work and where their children Miffy and Humbert go to school.
Even a decade ago, Goresh was infuriated by the prices, complaining about three-bedroom apartments that were then going for 425,000 euros, and he predicted an imminent crash.
When the market didn’t implode and the price of such an apartment surpassed a million euros last year, his indignation turned into blinding incredulity.
“For that much money in my homeland, you can buy a used military base that includes surface-to-air missiles, a bunker for the generals, and vintage 1960s propaganda posters that if you hold them under a black light show nudey pictures,” he said. “We will wait for prices to go down, as they must, in accordance with natural law.”
However, after Ludmilla threatened to leave him and take their kids and temperamental three-legged cat Caesar if they didn’t buy something in the neighborhood, Goresh gave in.
He began his search in earnest and, after six months of knocking on doors in hopes of finding a pensioner willing to sell, he found a modest three-bedroom house with a 3.5-square-meter garden for the discount price of €1.4 million, requiring a 30-year loan with payments of 6,493 euros per month.
Even Goresh’s notary, who is used to seeing hopelessness turn into wickedness following a signing, was surprised by the sudden transformation.
“The second that Monsieur Goresh put his name on the deed, a darkness filled the room, and he emitted a deep and evil laugh, and I swear that I saw two little horns emerge from his balding head.”
When asked about his transformation, Goresh denied having ever criticized the Luxembourg housing market and instead offered sincere and black-hearted praise of it.
“Home values will rise disproportionately to salaries, and the hopes of regular people ever owning a home will be crushed, in accordance with natural law,” he said, rubbing his chin like a movie villain.
“Whahaa,” he added. “Whahaahaa.”