A nationwide survey has revealed that the only people at work in Luxembourg today are those who are verifiably ill, whereas everyone who called in sick is exaggerating their symptoms, faking it, or staying home because everyone else is doing it and why be a fool.
“The 134,438 pathetic individuals who pulled themselves out of bed, suffered through stressful morning routines, and dragged themselves to offices, factories, and construction sites are, across the board, ill and should have called in sick,” the report of the results says.
“Yet every one of the 324,032 clever individuals who did call in sick is fine, and most reported they are feeling great,” it continues. “At this moment, nearly two-thirds of them are still in their pajamas, dipping flakey bits of their second croissant into their cappuccinos, catching up on Facebook, and wondering how to waste the rest of this gloriously free day.”
“The remaining one-third of people who called in sick got an early start shopping and tidying so that later in the day they can do something enjoyable like watch a movie or go on a 20-kilometer bike ride along the Moselle,” the report claims.
Nadine Polimar, the University of Wiltz researcher who conducted the survey, says it’s not clear why only ill people have gone to work while the healthy ones have all called in sick, but she does have two theories.
“It’s possible that we’re experiencing some kind of workplace geomagnetic reversal, and that we’re entering a period in which the shame of faking sickness is turning into a source of pride,” she says.
“However, the best explanation is that ill people generally suffer from confusion and fatigue. For them, the prospect of having to write an email to their bosses, delegate their work, and sit in a waiting room for an hour to visit a doctor is just too much to handle, so they stick to routine,” she said. “Whereas those people feeling well possess the vigor and resourcefulness to conceive, deliver, and maintain some ridiculous story about having eaten contaminated tuna rolls at an underground cabaret sushi bar in Frankfurt.”