LUXEMBOURG-VILLE – A retired couple who sold you a house that your friends privately acknowledge is “crappy” have announced plans to buy a Mediterranean island with the money they’ve now got thanks to you.
“When we bought the crappy house in the 1990s, we never imagined we could trade it for anything other than an equally crappy house in the city, or a slightly less crappy house in the country,” said Francis Lumaca, who carefully maintained the house’s crappiness by never making any repairs.
“But thanks to you, we’re now able to buy our very own gorgeous Mediterranean island that comes with a six-bedroom luxury compound, a 20-meter yacht, and a team of servants led by a head butler named Manolo who will sing to us in a nearly extinct Catalan dialect and cater to our every whim,” added his wife Rosarina, who for the last 30 years applied dozens of coats of paint to hide the festering mold.
They both agree that no one who ever saw the crappy house ever had anything good to say about it, and that every visitor they ever had would plug his or her nose before entering and would occasionally pass out.
“Until you came along,” Francis said, “made a nervous joke about the housing market in Luxembourg, and proclaimed with a maniacal laugh that buying something is better than buying nothing, which ironically is exactly what that house is.”
In order to honor you, the who made their dream possible, the couple say there is a senile, one-legged goat that lives on their new island, and that they will name him after you.
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