In an attempt to boost the number of tourists who visit the country this summer, Luxembourg officials have announced a plan to lay 207 kilometers of tire-puncturing spike strips on the motorways and commonly used entry points.
“We want to target tourists from countries to the north who, when July comes around, make a beeline for the Mediterranean and only stop in Luxembourg to pee, fill up their cars, and sit on a curb in the parking lot for five minutes to eat a sad little sandwich, and not even a sandwich they purchased here, but one they made at home ten hours earlier, probably with some mayonnaise-based sauce that has already soured and will get them sick, yet they’ll be too impatient and stubborn to even step into a local pharmacy to get some medicine and will instead try to tough it out, but it won’t work, and they’ll find themselves darting into France’s nastiest public toilet at a rest stop somewhere between Nancy and Dijon, cursing the moment that they opted to pack their own lunch instead of eating at one of Luxembourg’s many fine restaurants that showcase the country’s culinary diversity, locally grown produce, and love of gastronomy which, as I always say, is French quality with German portions.”
Following what will be a “gentle and easily reparable flattening of one or more of their tires,” each tourist car will be given immediate assistance by the ACL and will also get a list of activities and sites in the vicinity, says Marion Platte, who is overseeing the project.
“The friendly technician will inform the occupants that the repair might take a few hours. In the meantime, why don’t they check out the UNESCO-recognized Old City, tour the casemates, sample some Crémant de Luxembourg, and grab a souvenir?”
These accidental tourists will be encouraged to download the Mobiliteit app to help them get around the country for free during their unexpected stay.
“Some of these accidental tourists might decide to stay for the night, especially if we inform them that, due to a clerical error, their car has been brought to a garage in Schifflange that is closed but will reopen in three days.”
Platte says that these guests may soon understand that there is no need at all to go to France, Spain, and Italy.
“We have our own mountains. They’re called the Mullerthal. And we have our own beaches. They’re called the Upper Sûre Lake and the outdoor pool at Les Thermes in Strassen.”
Locals and cross-border workers whose tires get punctured will be given an apology and a voucher for a free ice cream.
