LUXEMBOURG-VILLE — Within minutes of Tuesday’s announcement that medical marijuana will soon be legal in the Grand Duchy, tens of thousands of young men and women were suddenly afflicted with terrible back pain.
Graphic design intern Christophe Lambert, 21, who last weekend took ninth place in an Ironman competition in France, says that he is nearly crippled by daily stiffness in his lumbar region.
“I’ve tried everything, from aspirin to herbal tea, and nothing helps,” he said. “The only option left, unfortunately, is the leafy green bud provided directly by Gaia herself.”
Prominent drinker and bar patron Stacey McGinnes, 22, who is known to perform backflips after her third or fourth pint, says that she woke up barely able to move.
“I refuse to profane the temple of my body with dangerous pharmaceuticals that will give me cancer in 10 years,” she told her doctor on Thursday. “I want a natural remedy for my backache, just like the Chinese or Aztecs or whatever have been using for millions of years.”
“Preferably a nice sativa-indica hybrid with a crazy high THC content, like what I got in Amsterdam that one time,” she added.
Marcus Sauer, 24, who enjoys climbing 500-meter rock faces without the use of ropes and has been known to leap off moving cars for fun, says that the pain he suffers is so great that on some days he just wants to “end it all” and that “the prospect of a good, solid legal high” is the only thing keeping him alive.
Experts predict that by next summer, nearly half of Luxembourg’s population between the ages of 18 and 25 will suffer from acute and chronic back pain, and that the rate of medical visits will spike just before weekends, vacation periods, and large outdoor concerts.