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Luxembourg Wurst

Knock A Shining Dog

Twisted freak prefers water to alcohol during meals 

August 1, 2019

In a case experts say “is proof that sometimes nature creates humans so bizarre that we may never understand their motives,” a Luxembourg man has stated a preference for drinking water during meals. 

Stefan Altergott, 36, publicly declared his weird proclivity during a night out with friends in Clausen last weekend. According to witnesses, when the server came to the table to take a drink order, Altergott declined to request an alcoholic beverage, saying he’d rather have “some good old H20.”

Confused, the server explained that Altergott didn’t have to drink beer or wine like his companions, and that the bar was stocked with every sort of liquor imaginable, including uncommon ones such as quinoa vodka and popcorn-flavored mezcal.

“No, I really just want some water with my meal,” the resolute diner said. “I actually don’t like alcohol, especially when I eat.”

One friend says that the server’s eyes turned googly and that smoke could be observed wafting out of her ears as she tried to make sense of Altergott’s words. The other six diners at the table struggled to offer an explanation for their friend’s behavior. 

Catarina Bosiek, a professor of abnormal neurology at the University of Wiltz, says that she is intrigued by the case, and that she’s forming a team to study Altergott.

“Who doesn’t enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, or a cold beer and pretzels on a hot summer afternoon?” she said. “To really understand this individual and others like him, we’ll need to look closely at his brain, and we’re currently in negotiations with him to obtain a large tissue sample from his cerebrum.”

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