A recent study has revealed that up to 95 percent of social media users who in their profile photos appear to be enjoying an alcoholic beverage actually have a glass stuck to their lips.
“If someone in a photo is holding a pint of beer to his mouth, you think, hey, that guy is cool, someone who knows how to chill out and have a good time, a 24-hour party person who’s ready for a drink at any hour,” explained Dr. Frederick T. Hansel of the University of Wiltz. “But the truth is quite sad.”
Dr. Hansel says he began looking into the matter last year after arranging to go on a morning dog-walking date with a purple-haired woman named Isadora he met on Tinder.
“Her profile photo – well, all of her photos, really – are really classy and show her sipping on red wine,” he said. “When she showed up at our meeting spot at 9:30 a.m., there she was with a wine glass near her chin, so I confronted her. She put her arm down but the glass stayed by her mouth, dangling.”
“That’s when she began crying and said the glass was stuck to her lower lip and had been for a long time,” he added. “She also told me that she keeps it half-full to allay suspicion, and that consequently she only wears black because the wine tends to splash on her clothes.”
A surgeon managed to detach the glass and the woman was able to post new, glass-less photos. Now curious, Dr. Hansel launched a study and discovered that nearly everyone on Facebook, Instagram, and other platforms who appeared to be drinking was suffering from the same affliction.
“These people you see on your Facebook newsfeed aren’t morning drinkers, wine lovers, or boozehounds,” Dr. Hansel said. “They are people whose facial skin, for some reason, has fused with everyday household items.”
“They deserve our compassion, not our judgment and mockery.”
“Even in the case of my friend Pawel,” he added, “Stuck to his lip is a large, bright-blue souvenir margarita glass that he bought in Mexico, and doctors say that it’s been there for so long that it’s too dangerous to remove it, so now whenever Pawel goes out, people say ‘olé’ and toss coins in the giant glass for good luck.”