In response to complaints from cyclists that Luxembourg City does little to make getting around on a bicycle easy, officials have promised to build the world’s best cycling infrastructure – if cyclists agree to stop wearing those ridiculous shorts.
“You’ll get dedicated bikeways all around the city, protected lanes on every street, and a safety campaign, the likes of which the world has never seen,” said VDL Special Projects spokesperson Alphonse Recker. “Just give up the lycra.”
Experts agree that bike shorts are an offense to decency, fashion, nature, physics, and geometry, and that cyclists, particularly men, only wear them in order to feel like Baryshnikov on a ten-speed.
“If I wanted to see that sort of thing while I was driving, I’d buy a couple of prunes at the supermarket, twist them up in a plastic bag, and hang them on my rearview mirror,” said motorist Desirée Pistache.
However, cyclist and unrepentant cycling-shorts wearer Damien Petrusse says that being able to exhibit your anatomy while cruising around is key to staying motivated.
“Imagine you’ve rigorously burned off fat with 100-plus kilometer rides every week for a year and you want to show off how toned you are between your thighs and your belly button, and some Victorian communist Puritan type says you’ve got to wear proper sports clothes.”
“It’s there in the European Charter of Human Rights,” he added. “The right to proudly display your junk like those old couples who are always trying to sell chipped plates and rusty forks at boot sales.”
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