LUXEMBOURG-VILLE — In response to growing speculation why they are being so aggressive these days, Luxembourg wasps have admitted they are, in fact, going insane.
Carole Harespel, a two-week-old worker and spokesvespid for nest LV/2018-83N, located above a residential garage in the capital, warns that she and her fellow wasps will only become more deranged as the weather continues to cool and food sources disappear.
“You stand there with a delicious ice-cream cone in your hand, then we swarm over for a little taste and you start swatting at us, wondering why we’re acting so looney,” Harespel said. “Well, isn’t the answer rather obvious?”
“We’re, like, totally starving,” she continued. “Honestly, we’ll do anything to get some of that yummy sweetness, even if it means going on a kamikaze mission into a Nutella-covered waffle while it’s still hot in your hands.”
“Oh, my prayers have been answered,” she exclaimed after spotting a reporter’s mocha latte. She proceeded to dive-bomb into it and quickly drowned.
Marvin, an elderly month-old drone, explained his predicament: “You think I like buzzing around rubbish bins at the Schueberfouer, acting like a drug addict in search of a morsel of sugar to smoke when I should be out there feasting like a winged prince on plump caterpillars and all-natural nectar?”
“I know, this behavior is below me, but I haven’t had a proper meal in ages, so what am I supposed to do?” he said. “Hey, look at that.”
He then executed a sloppy landing into a half-full Coke bottle, the owner of which spotted the intruder and put the cap on, trapping Marvin — who as the bottle was being thrown away was heard saying, “Yippee, I’m in paradise!”