A report issued by a consortium of Luxembourg’s largest new outlets has confirmed that nothing happened in Luxembourg today.
“We sent reporters all over the Grand Duchy, from the depths of the mines in Rumelange to the heights of the Éislek, and they all returned with the same news,” says the report. “That there was no news.”
“Twice we were nearly fooled into thinking something had happened,” the report continues. “Once when a worker on a construction site in Ettelbruck was observed shouting, leading us to believe he was having an argument, but it turned out he was just talking on the phone to his wife and he always speaks loudly.”
“The second time was when a Luxembourg City bus arrived six minutes late, causing perplexed commuters to look at their watches, which we figured might lead one of them to complain to the driver, but in the end they all silently boarded the bus.”
The report went on to say that all major news outlets, in dire need for stories to publish or broadcast, eventually chose to report the mundane, running with headlines such as “Diekirch students go to school in Diekirch,” “Kirchberg bank employee opts for tuna when told no more ham sandwiches left,” and “No one at networking lunch any good at networking.”
“Many of us, desperate to have something to report, considered reporting ‘We have no news to report today’ as news, believing some people might find it shocking or unusual, but in fact that’s the way things are here,” the report concludes. “This scarcity of events to cover might seem amusing, but trust us, there’s nothing funny about it. We’re farmers and this is a drought.”
The report’s authors implore members of the public to remain vigilant, and to contact them if anything happens, whether that’s a fire alarm going off somewhere, a car breaking down, or a cow mooing in a strange manner.