An agency that specializes in providing totally furnished rentals has begun offering apartments that come with their own totally useless partner who spends his time watching television series, expecting you to do the housework, and occasionally showing you funny YouTube videos.
Rebecca Doyle, co-founder of Furnished Flats & You, says the offering is the next phase in the rentals market.
“According to our survey, sixty-three percent of individuals who relocate to Luxembourg say they plan on bringing their totally useless partner with them – all the way from their home country or last country of residence,” she said. “That’s a big headache, both logistically and administratively.”
“When we say ‘useless partner,’ we mean a romantic partner of six or more months who at first seemed okay and was kind of charming but turned out to be lazy, selfish, and oblivious to household duties.”
“The sort of man or woman whose parents never made them tidy their bedrooms, do the washing up, or run to the shop to pick up milk and bread,” she added.
Doyle says that while it may seem that the totally useless partners they furnish could be an extra burden, they are much less trouble than renters’ own totally useless partners.
“Ours are very low-maintenance,” she said. “While they won’t help with chores or taking care of children if you have any, they only require one light meal per day.”
“They can shower themselves, answer the door for Amazon deliveries, and are capable of calling an ambulance or fire department in case of emergencies,” she continued.
“They are odorless, pleasant to look at, and occasionally speak in full sentences,” she added.
Andrea Guilarte, who moved to Luxembourg in February, was among the first to rent a flat that had been furnished with a totally useless partner.
“My parents came to visit, and they were like, ‘who’s that guy?’” she said. “I was like, ‘oh, that’s Javier – at least I call him Javier. Don’t mind him. He’ll make space for us on the sofa, and he’ll let us have the TV after he finishes watching his thing.’”
Doyle says that while the selection of totally useless partners is currently quite limited, in the future her agency hopes to offer ones that come with mildly endearing personality traits.
“Some may be sarcastic, while others may have quirky music tastes or amusingly overblown political opinions,” she said. “They’ll still be useless and it won’t make them lovable, but it will help to make them slightly amusing.”
Extra benefits, according to Doyle
While the idea of having a totally useless partner is that they are totally useless, they can help to:
- keep burglars away
- turn heat up/down before you get back from work
- say ‘oh yeah’ or ‘that sucks’ when you tell them about your day
- inform you if the toilet or refrigerator is broken and needs to be fixed
- function as spare furniture, a coat rack, or a scratching post for cats
