The thousands of security guards posted at shop entrances all across the Grand Duchy are warning customers that if they fail to apply hand sanitizer before entering, they will be destroyed, according to the security guards’ own hardened eyes.
The guards, most of whom have shaved heads and nicknames like “Pitbull” and “Bone-breaker,” have developed the ability to communicate telepathically after finding speaking through masks inconvenient.
“Squirt it in your palms and vigorously rub your hands together,” communicated one guard at a boutique on the Grand Rue in Luxembourg City. “Do it now or I’ll crush you.”
A guard in a commercial center in Gasperich has wordlessly given similar options.
“There are two things you can wear on your face today,” he said using only his gaze. “A paper mask or my first. The choice is yours.”
“Monsieur,” he added.
University of Wiltz literature professor Roland Paper, who specializes in dystopian science fiction, says that times have changed and security guards who communicate telepathically now rule society.
“Once upon a time, people saw security guards as extensions of the stores themselves and believed they were obliged to respect the same rules of customer service as cashiers and sales staff.”
“Not anymore,” he continued. “We live in times of great fear and anxiety, and most people are happy to do whatever a large man in a navy blue shirt tells them to.”
“Today’s security guards are like the samurai of medieval Japan who, though loyal to their lords, were allowed to crush, maim, and kill at will.”
