Admitting that this summer’s weather has been a major bummer and that mood levels are at an all-time low, Luxembourg officials have announced the construction of an artificial sun.
The sun, measuring 17.4 meters in diameter and powered by energy sourced from the Cattenom nuclear power plant, will be suspended high above Mersch, the geographical center of the country.
The emergency plan was drawn up after officials determined they didn’t have time to move the entire country to the Mediterranean Sea, as discussed last year.
“Vitamin D levels haven’t been this low since 1816, known as ‘The Year Without a Summer’ because of all the volcanic ash in the atmosphere,” said meteorological engineer Tom Franck, who is overseeing the project. “My kids aren’t even motivated enough to turn on their phones in the morning, and when I asked them what they feel like doing, they say ‘eat a bowl of moldy rocks.’”
“What does ‘moldy rocks’ even mean?” he added.
The artificial sun will heat up to approximately 10,000 degrees Celsius, which means that residents of Mersh and its surroundings will always need to wear sunblock with an SPF of at least 300, even when they’re sleeping.
As for the rest of the country, everyone will be able to enjoy constant sunlight, even at night, and they’ll be kept warm with temperatures between 35-50 degrees. However, officials say a potential downside is that popular swimming spots, such as the Upper Sûre Lake, might boil and evaporate.
Because the skin-pleasing radiation will extend beyond Luxembourg into border regions, officials are planning to ask Germany, France, and Belgium to help to fund the project.
“I haven’t smiled in over a month, and I spend my free time on the sofa watching and rewatching ‘Schindler’s List,’” said one Echternach resident. “But now I can look forward to getting so suntanned that I’ll produce enough Vitamin D to last me till old age. And I can’t wait to cook food on the grill without needing any sort of fuel.”