Admitting that this summer’s weather has been a major bummer and that mood levels are at an all-time low, Luxembourg officials have announced the construction of an artificial sun. The sun, measuring 17.4 meters in diameter and powered by energy sourced from the Cattenom nuclear power plant, will be suspended high above Mersch, the geographical […]
Mosquito, caterpillar, mite agree to divide up last unbitten, unstung patch of skin
In what’s being called the Berlin Conference but for bugs, arachnids, and other critters, three superpowers in the world of skin irritation have forged a historic agreement on how to fairly divide a recently discovered clear patch of human epidermis. The clear patch of skin, a rare find during a period of mass skin irritation […]
Meluxina crashes after technician asks, ‘How can I afford a home in Luxembourg on an average salary?’
Soon after Luxembourg’s new supercomputer Meluxina was officially inaugurated on Monday, a desperate technician took the opportunity to ask it to find a way for him to buy a home in Luxembourg even though he earns an average salary, causing the machine to crash. Meluxina, which is part of a European network of supercomputers and […]
New gun capable of vaccinating 500 people per minute
Citing the need to reopen society as soon as possible before we all lose our minds, an engineer from Luxembourg has developed a vaccination gun capable of delivering 500 shots per minute. “I read that it might take months to get most of Luxembourg vaccinated,” said Jean Wayne, creator of the Vaccinator 2400. “That’s not […]
Scientists: second wave of COVID memes will be ‘much worse’
Scientists from the University of Wiltz have issued a dire warning that the second wave of COVID-19 memes will almost certainly be much worse than the first. “What we saw from March through early summer was a proliferation of coronavirus-themed memes that actually sucked and got really old, really fast,” said Dr. Rufus Bard, who […]