Russian president Vladimir Putin has expressed confusion as to why many now view him as a monumental dickhead, saying that as far as he knew, everyone always seemed to admire villains like Darth Vader, for instance.
“Vader was a consummate homicidal maniac,” Putin said. “He strangled his subordinates from three meters away, blew up planets full of innocent space folk, and used his lightsaber to turn freedom-loving resistance fighters into mincemeat.”
“Darth Vader cut off his own son’s hand, and people still love the guy!” he added. “So where is the love for me?”
Putin says that despite all his many Vader-like traits and the fact he also regularly dreams about charging into an encampment of Sand People and slaughtering everyone, no one ever affectionately quotes him in a low, breathy voice, nor do people ever dress up like him for Halloween.
“Right, I’ll start dressing in a full-body black leather suit and black mask, and I’ll breathe through a respirator, if that’s what it takes,” he said. “You want me to do the voice? I’ll do the voice. Dark side, yay. There, I did the voice. Like me now?”