Russian president Vladimir Putin has expressed confusion as to why many now view him as a monumental dickhead, saying that as far as he knew, everyone always seemed to admire villains like Darth Vader, for instance. “Vader was a consummate homicidal maniac,” Putin said. “He strangled his subordinates from three meters away, blew up planets […]
‘Well, they shouldn’t have made Putin angry,’ says local domestic abuser
A domestic abuser who insists that he is opposed to Russia’s attack on Ukraine also says that we should not have made Putin angry. “We know that Vladimir Putin doesn’t want to hurt anyone unless someone gives him a good reason,” the domestic abuser said. “It’s the same way with me, in my house, like […]
You should get rid of your Russian vodka and give it to me
People of Luxembourg, I understand that many of you are shocked and furious. You would like to act in some meaningful manner, but you don’t know how. Well, I have an idea. One of the most powerful statements you can make is to get rid of any bottles of good Russian vodka you have in […]
‘Help, we have glasses stuck to our lips,’ admit people with profile photos like these
A recent study has revealed that up to 95 percent of social media users who in their profile photos appear to be enjoying an alcoholic beverage actually have a glass stuck to their lips. “If someone in a photo is holding a pint of beer to his mouth, you think, hey, that guy is cool, […]
Man sews eco-sac to hand
After forgetting to bring his reusable shopping bag for the 17th time this month, a Luxembourg man has decided to permanently attach one to his body. Betzdorf resident Arnie Kromwell says he tried everything to remind himself to bring an eco-sac from home when he went shopping, but nothing worked. “I put a note on […]
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